I found out that one can actually be arrested for having an expired
license tag. I could be locked up wearing a fashionable orange jump
suit right now, and Big Barb could be waiting for me to drop the soap
in the shower. So, if I’m arrested for having a suspended license tag
for lapse of insurance that never really lapsed, and I decide to spend
my one phone call on you, here’s what to do (don’t lose this email):
Sound comforting while I sob some incoherent nonsense about jail
cafeterias, the Bone Yard, and how I had to hammer out my own new
license plate while visiting “the Big Yard.”
Next, instruct me on some crucial martial arts maneuvers that could be helpful for surviving any sudden and violent prison riots.
Finally, say something sweet about how I look great in orange, and
hang up the receiver.
Now, call Ablaze Bail Bonds at 542-BAIL.
Tell the sales rep that “No, we won’t qualify for the discount since
this is only my first arrest.” For future reference, they grant discounts to third-time customers. But you have to have done something really bad.
Find out how much it’s going to be to bust me out, and go to the
Chatham Marketplace and take up a collection.
Pay Ablaze whatever they ask, and don’t leave without grabbing one of
their bright red promo ink pens labeled, “When You Need a Little Help from the Pen.”
If you can’t raise enough money, buy a dry erase board from Staples
and haul it on over to the Bynum General Store. Call a Community
meeting and devise a way to rig up some explosives near my jail cell
for a breakout.
For what is enjoying the constant challenge of life-long love if not to have someone to help you plan prison breaks or to call when your neurotic fear of unjust arrest becomes a bright orange reality?
You know I’d do the same for you.